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"Boundaries with Kids"
by  Dr. Henry Cloud and
Dr. John Townsend

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Praying Parent"
by Stormie O'Martian

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Campbell Chapel
Free Will Baptist Church
1709 Campbell Drive
Ironton, Ohio 45638

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We started Mom's on our Knees about five years ago.  We meet once a month on the second Sunday for a half hour before our church services.

We come together to have special prayer for the needs of our children, as well as, all youth.  We start out with circle prayer that thanks and praises God for what He's done and going to do.  We then take special prayer requests of the needs our children may be going through.

Truly, God has heard and answered many, many prayers.

We also use questions that may concern situations our children are facing.  One book and questions we use, is by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, called "Boundaries with Kids."  Another book that we have used and finished is called "Power of a Praying Parent" by Stormie O'Martian, and always God's Word the Bible which directs and enlightens each of us in the up bringing of our children.

ADDED June 11, 2006

Book:  Boundaries with Kids

Our questions this month are on four rules for evaluating pain.

1)  Don't let your child's pain control your actions.

If your child is controlling your decisions by protesting your boundaries; you are no longer parenting with a purpose.  Furthermore, clue number one that a child will not develop self-control is when the parent does not have self-control in enforcing the rules.

2)  Keep your pain separate from your child's.

Keep your own sadness about your children's pain separate from theirs.  We all must endure our own pain.

3)  Help your child see that life is not about avoiding pain, but about making good pain an ally.

Basically we change when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing.  Therefore, life is not about avoiding suffering; life is about learning to suffer well.  Problems come from the tendency to avoid the pain of the momentary struggle, the pain of self-discipline, and delaying gratification.  If we learn to lose what we want in the moment to feel sad about, not getting our way and then to adapt to the reality demands of difficult situations; joy and success will follow.

4)  Make sure the pain is the pain of maturing, not the pain of need or injury.

Children's behavior often sends a message and parents need to evaluate the pain to find out whether it is the pain of frustration or the pain of need or injury.

When you evaluate your child's pain, make sure first, that it is not caused by a real injury, trauma or something other than the real need for discipline, and secondly, that you have not caused it.  Normal parents will cause pain from time to time but they will see their fault and apologize.

ADDED JULY 9, 2006

Book:  Boundaries with Kids

Meeting held Sunday, July 9 at 5:15 PM.

Finished the FOURTH RULE of "the Law of Evaluation."

We had an attendance of seven.  There was a very sweet spirit among us.  God truly met with us one more time.  So, so many prayers He has answered and is going to answer.

Following are some questions that we, as parents, asked ourselves.  May you view them also and ask for God's guidance in your life.

Considering Rule #4

Children's behavior often sends a message, and parents need to evaluate the pain to find out whether it is pain of frustration or the pain of need or injury.  Which of these, if any, may explain some misbehavior in your home?

1. What if anything have you done to exasperate your children or embitter them?

2. What lessons have you learned from the struggles of your life?

3. What kind of pain have you experienced as you have learned discipline and perseverance?

4. Are you willing to let your child experience the pain that teaches discipline and perseverance?  Why or Why not?

5. What signs do you see that struggle has taken off or started to wear down some of your child's rough edges?  Be specific.

Evaluate your child's pain.  If they are in need or injured, run to their rescue.

If they are protesting reality's demand's for maturing to the next level, empathize with that struggle, manage it well but let them go through it to the end.  Later they will thank you.

When children learn to value the pain of life instead of avoid it they are ready to solve their problems.  But what you want is for the child to be proactive in the process.

Updated 9/25/06

REACTIVE BOUNDARIES
NECESSARY BUT INSUFFICIENT

1. When has your child's protest been appropriate to a dangerous situation or to having a need met?

2. When has your child's protest of a problem or obstacle not been appropriate, that is, the problem was neither dangerous nor evil?

3. Review those stages (pg. 153) and identify where your children are on this path.

4. What support and structure are you as parents offering you children for their individual journeys along this path?

5. Children who never move beyond reactive boundaries develop a victim identity.  What can parents do to keep their kids from acquiring this damaging perspective on the source of our problems?

6. Reactive boundaries are insufficient because children need to grow up to be defined by more than what they hate.  What problems might result if a child never gets beyond this point?

7. What are you doing or could you be doing or encourage your child to think for himself, disagree, and talk about his feelings while accepting your authority?  Be specific.

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